VISITING YOUR LOVED ONE FOR THE HOLIDAYS

This holiday season can be a great time to make sure your parents, sibling, or friend is doing well.  Take advantage of your visit this holiday season by observing your loved one and asking them questions about their daily activities and future.  This informal assessment can provide answers so you can be prepared to make future healthcare decisions and comply with your loved one's wants and desires. 

You can assess your loved one's mental, physical, environmental, social, and financial condition by both observing and communicating with your loved one. 

• Physical signs such as weight gain or loss, balance problems standing-walking or climbing stairs, neglected personal appearance
• Behavioral and cognitive signs such as mood swings, extreme forgetfulness, wandering, confusion, disorientation, not engaging in social activities they normally attend
• Environmental signs such as inadequate food in kitchen, a lot of mail lying around unopened, yard not being maintained
• Financial signs such as unpaid bills piling up, unreasonable financial decisions like paying same bill twice or donating to more charities than usual

When you talk with your loved one, be supportive, patient, empathetic, yet firm when necessary.

• Pick a relaxed environment and quiet place to talk where outside distractions are at a minimum
• Don't interrupt your loved one when they are talking, let them speak
• Discuss the importance of meeting their needs.  Be positive and talk about the goal of preserving their independence, privacy, and safety
• Respect differences and agree on ground rules.  Agree on topics to avoid and establish your own limitations.  Respect your loved one's feelings when they make it clear they want to avoid a subject.  Maybe try another time with a different approach
• Talk in bits and pieces.  Don't try to discuss everything the first day of your visit.  You will most likely need multiple conversations, so spread out the conversations over time
• If talking to your parents, avoid role reversal.  Talking to your parents and helping them meet their needs doesn't mean you are 'parenting them'.
• Be prepared for your loved one to make their own life choices, even if you don't agree with them.  Consider pushing your views if their safety is at risk
• Break the ice by sharing your feelings about things and ask your loved one to do the same.  You might start by saying "When I am unable to take care of myself, I ... then ask what kind of help would you want if you were not able to take care of yourself"
• Or raise the issue indirectly by relating to someone else's experience or something you have read about.  "Your friend Rachel just moved into an assisted living apartment which has a lot of social activities she participates in.  What do you think about that?"
• Instead of offering advice right off the bat, ask open ended questions to get to the point you are trying to make. For example, if you are concerned your loved one is not eating right, ask them what they had for dinner instead of accusing them of not eating. If you want to know if they slept through the night ask them if their mattress is still comfortable. 
• It is not unusual for people to hide problems or not directly answer your questions.  When they insist everything is OK in the face of all evidence, that is a red flag. 
• Third party non family members can help persuade your loved one such as a friend or clergy.

By starting now to acquire needed information, and documenting your observations and findings, it will be at your fingertips when it is needed to make timely informed healthcare decisions.  People change over time, so monitor any decisions made, and adjust as necessary. 

 If you are interested in a product that can help you communicate with your loved one, record your observations and findings, and keep everything in one convenient place, then visit our product page on "Keep Tabs On Caregiving". It is filled with educational tips, resources, and checklists to help you manage your loved one's healthcare.